Are You Happy Now?
by ValAndHearts
Summary: Carissa Teller, Jax and Tara's daughter. The one who was raised with the Sons. The one who didn't let anything bother her. Not anymore. Something was wrong, but no one knew what.
1. Chapter 1

Wake up. Pretend. Sleep. Repeat. That's now the life I lead. Nothing special. Nothing worth living. But nevertheless my life. If you could even call it that.

"Why does Hawthorne describe this way?" The voice of my English teacher droned. "No one knows? Somebody has to know. Carissa, do you know?" Looking up from what are supposed to be my notes, I realized she was standing in front of me. Scoffs and laughter filled the room, like always. "Hawthorne uses the scenery to contrast the tone and mood of the story." I answered, not really certain of what I was saying. "Thank you Ms. Teller, can someone give me an example?" As if on cue, the final bell rang and everyone rushed out of class.

My music blazed out of my iPod, as I made my way to the shop – which was three blocks away. A boy stopped in front of me. I went to go around him, but another got in my way. There was no need to turn around to know that I was surrounded. Realizing they were saying something, I paused my music. "-it's the motorcycle prodigy." I rolled my eyes. They seriously don't know how SAMCRO works. "Rumor has it you're a whore in training." Yeah they definitely don't know. "Well let's see how well they-" Before he could finish whatever snide comment he was going to make, a motorcycle pulled up beside us. "Carissa, you need a lift?" Juice said calmly, while his grip on the handle bars tightened. I nodded and walked towards him, this time no one got in my way. He handed me his helmet and waited until I put it on. They wouldn't dare do anything. At least not while the Sons are near.

"Are you gonna tell your dad or am I?" Juice asked as I got off. I just looked at him and smiled. Well, at least what I hoped resembled a smile. "Thank you." Walking inside, I could feel his eyes following me. Either way, Dad always finds out. I'd rather it be from someone who would actually uses full sentences.

Pulling out my math homework on one of the many tables in the clubhouse my stomach started growling. Ignore it. "Carrisa." Dad said from the bar. I looked up, "Juice told me what happened, or at least what he thinks happened." Don't say anything. "Come on darling. Tell me what happened." He sat there expectantly. Shaking my head, I started my homework trying to distract myself from his ongoing stare.

A façade. That's what my life is. A big show. I had reasons to be happy, but I won't let myself. My brain just kept giving me all these thoughts. Thoughts that drive me crazy. Thought that to most people wouldn't be that big of deal. To me, though, they shaped my life. The thoughts also said not to worry any one with my stupidities. They have other things to worry about.

Other things like what to wear to dinner tonight. Everyone was going to be there. And I didn't have any idea what look I was going for. They were my family and I don't have to impress them or anything, but since I have been shutting everyone out maybe looking decent might help.

Grabbing Abel, I started towards the car. I went to go open the door, but Dad stopped me. "What are you bringing a date or something?" Giving him my most annoyed look, I put Abel in the car then got in myself. "Come on love! Doesn't that get some kind of response?" "Jax, please, for one night don't harass your daughter." Mom said getting into the car. "She looks like she is going to meet with a boy Tara." My dad replied. "It's all going to be family, it doesn't matter what she looks like." Mom said starting the car. "Fine I'll see you up there." Dad said, giving Mom a kiss and starting towards his bike. "Don't worry baby girl, you look fine." Mom said reassuringly. **(Link to outfit on my profile.)**

Laughs and voices fill the room as we walked into Grandma's kitchen. Smile. No for my own benefit, but for everyone else's. Let them think I'm happy, as long as they don't know the truth. "Finally ya'll are here. We can eat now!" Tig said from his place at the dinner table. "Well your fat ass would already be at the table." Dad said. "Let's eat." Grandma said, bringing the last plate of food to the table. "Thank you Gemma." Bobby remarked.

This was my biggest fear. I mean I had prepared myself for this, but I hated it. Every chance I could I would gulp down the water. As much as possible without choking. Every time I would I felt guilty. I hate doing this. If I could I would avoid it all the time. But I can't.

"Carissa, want some dessert?" Donna, Opie's old lady asked. "No thank you." I said automatically. "You know what that means?" Chibs asked. Rolling my eyes, I waited for the response: "Cleaning!" Everyone screamed in union. Anytime someone wouldn't eat dessert, said person would have to clean. I got up laughing and started towards the sink. A fake gasp came from everywhere. "She didn't argue!" Happy sarcastically said. I just kept walking, while everyone laughed.

That night, before I went to bed I stood in front of my full length mirror. In shorts and a tank top, I could see all my flaws. My thighs still touched. My stomach wasn't flat. I wasn't good enough. Hopefully I had gotten all the food out afterwards. Just in case, though, I got on the ground and did everything I could to avoid gaining weight. 100 crunches. 100 sit-ups. 100 more crunches. 75 lunges on each leg. 30 push-ups. And just in case I took a laxative. This has to work, please let it work this time.

**A/N: NEW STORY! If you follow me on Twitter, you know I have a new obsession with Sons of Anarchy. And if you aren't obsessed with it, then you need to be. Any who tell me what you think please.**

**Read and Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	2. Chapter 2

Nothing. Completely empty. My mind, usually on overload, was…calm. If you find nothingness calm. Thankfully I did.

Saturdays are by far my least favorite day. On every single one of them I end up doing the same thing. Absolutely nothing. I sit around all day. Before I used to go out with Emmaline and Andrea – my only non-SOA friends, not now. They avoid me.

Grabbing my iPod, I walked out my door. Keeping my pace stead, I ran for a good 15 minutes before I stopped. "She hates it, but she fakes it. Watch out for that girl, 'cause one day she may change the world." That used to be me. The girl who would smile, even if she didn't want to. Before this took over me. Back when it was something simple. Now it's my whole life. With one goal.

"How much did you run?" Opie asked as I walked into the clubhouse. "About four miles." I answered, grabbing a water and sitting down. "What's the point?" Half-Sac asked, sweeping behind the bar. "Staying in shape is the point." I mumbled. "Well Carissa, I haven't heard you say that much in a while." Bobby said sarcastically. Smiling, I just nodded. "And you just had to point it out idiot." Tig said. "Don't ya'll have a job to get to?" I said, walking outside for the second half of my run.

You know that moment when you pushed your body too far so it starts pushing back? Your breathing gets labored, your vision gets blurry, and your head starts pounding. But you keep telling yourself a little more. And you keep at it. The finally your body gives out. Completely.

"Why wouldn't she have any sugar in her blood?" "They're not sure. They are thinking about running some more tests." "Do they really have to stick my baby girl with more needles?" "Clay, if we want to know what's wrong with her then yes." "She's been working out too much that's all." "Ma, don't start crying." "I'll go give the boys an update." "'Kay babe." "Do you think this is why she's so distant?" "Who knows?" Opening my eyes, I tried to focus. I contemplated whether or not I should say something, but I didn't have to. "Carissa." Mom came over to me and kissed my forehead. While trying to get up, I realized I was in a hospital room. Wait, why was I in hospital? Why is there an IV in my arm? "What happened?" My voice was hoarse and my mouth completely dry. "Oh darling," Dad started. "We were all at the clubhouse getting ready to leave when we got a call. Someone found you over by the fields and you were completely unconscious." I drank some more water that my mom had gotten me, while coming up with some type of lie. "It's because I pushed myself too much and barely eaten." I said, giving them some of the truth. At least enough to be reasonable. "Just to make sure they want to run some more tests." Mom said as reassuringly as she could. "Mom, please. That's what it is." My voice shook, terrified of what the test might show. "You sure?" Grandma said smoothing down my hair. "I promise."

One more bite. That's all I have left. Then I can go take care of it. Slow bites, about 40 for every spoonful I put in my mouth. As long as they were watching me like a hawk, I had to keep up the act. One meal at a time.

"Goodnight." Mom and Dad said, as I walked to my room. Going into the bathroom I made sure there was enough noise to cover what I was about to do. Sliding to the floor, I closed my eyes – not wanting to see all the food I had put into myself come back up. Three times, plus laxatives. Just to make sure. 200 crunches. 100 sit-ups. 50 lunges each. 200 crunches.

"102 pounds," I read to myself. I've gained two pounds. This can't be happening. In just one week, I started gaining weight. This would mean having to start all over. I couldn't go back to my old weight. Plus, I haven't even reached my goal. Not even close.

"We are gonna be out for a couple days." Dad explained to me a week later. "Where are ya'll going this time?" Mom inquired. "To Nevada. The charter needs our help." Dad answered. "I'm guessing ya'll are leaving tonight." I whispered. "Yeah darling. But I'm a phone call away." He hugged both Mom and me before heading towards Abel's room. "We'll be fine Carissa. It's only a few days." Mom said, kissing my head.

Turns out two days were a long time. My mom ended up working those two days and Grandma had Abel. A house to myself for two days. That does wonders for a girl with a secret. Sure Grandma came over to check up on me, but I was mostly alone. Which was the way I like it. I did nothing but exercise. 48 hours of hardcore nonstop exercise – minus some of the naps I took.

"You have two new voicemails. First unheard voicemail: Hey darling we're headed home right now. Let Tara know for me please. Love ya', see you soon. End of first unheard voicemail. Second unheard voicemail: Carissa! It's Leighton, you remember me right? Your best friend from Chicago. Well good news – I'm on my way to Charming. Like as I speak. Thought I'd let you know before I just show up there. See you later gorgeous. End of second unheard voicemail." Leighton was coming. She would know something was up, as soon as she saw me. This wasn't gonna turn out well.

**A/N: SECOND CHAPTER! Yay:) You know what you should do? Go click on the review button and tell me something – anything really. Please. Link on my profile for the running outfit. **

**Read and Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	3. Chapter 3

Smile. Laugh. Repeat. Since my dad had gotten home that's what I was doing. We were all at the clubhouse – except Mom who was still working. I was on laugh when my phone rang. 'Leighton!:)' flashed across the screen. "Excuse me," I said while getting up and heading outside, "Leighton!" "Carissa, thank God. I'm driving around aimlessly in this small town and I realize I have no idea where you live." "Well I'm not at home right now-" "Then where are you?" "With my family." "Okay but where?" Rolling my eyes I gave her the address and waited for her outside.

Something you have to understand about Leighton. She's a lot to take in at once. She's gorgeous. As in she doesn't have to wear make-up. Ever. Not to mention Leighton says exactly what she thinks. That being her job and all. She's one of the many editors for Teen Vogue and Seventeen. And at 25, she's the youngest. So don't try to take her in all at once. It's not possible.

"Carissa Teller." Leighton said, getting out of her convertible and walking towards me. "Yes?" "Why didn't you mention your family had such a – humble shop?" "Leighton. I did, but you didn't believe me." I said as I lead her towards the clubhouse. "What's up with you?" Leighton said stopping in front of the door. "Nothing, why?" I said looking at the ground. "First off you haven't looked at me once. Second you are dressed…not like you. And not to mention you look way to skinny. Have you seen what you look like?" Five minutes. She'd only seen me for five minutes and she'd completely figured what took me almost 2 months to do…why hadn't anyone else noticed? "Can we talk about his later?" I pleaded. "Fine. Let's go meet your family." Leighton said pushing her sunglasses unto her head.

Slowly, we got through the introductions. Thankfully, Leighton kept what she was thinking to herself. "How long have ya'll been friends?" Juice asked, moving closer to Leighton. "I stopped her on the streets once and asked her if she was interested in modeling. Carissa laughed and ever since then we've been best friends." She answered, winking towards me. I half-smiled. "Well it's nice to finally meet one of Carissa's friends." Dad said getting up and motioning for me to follow. Excusing myself, I hurriedly got to the kitchen. "Why didn't you tell me one of your friends was coming?" "I didn't know until last night." "You could have warned me." I looked at the ground. "How old is she anyway?" "25." "Good." My face must have said it all because he answered my question, "Juice likes her." I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing.

"It's later." Leighton said when I got in my room after my shower. Sitting on my vanity chair, I pretended to not hear her. Slowly I braided my hair into a French braid. Then taking my time, I put on an overnight face acne cream. "Really? What's so bad that you can't tell your best friend?" I stayed quiet. "Carissa! Do you remember how we meet? I don't care what it is, I'm right here." My eyes started watering and my voice shook as I explained, "I just don't like the way I look…" Leighton would know what I meant, she always does. She probably understands it more than I do. "When was the last time you ate without doing anything to get rid of it?" Lei automatically went into older sister mode. "Two months. Maybe more." "I'll help you. I promise I will. But first you have to tell them." She said, meaning my family. "But-" "No. You have a week to tell them everything. And I mean everything."

**A/N: I know it's a short chapter, but a lot happened. So I hope you like it. Tell me what you think.**

**Read and Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	4. Chapter 4

No one likes you.

Motorcycle whore.

How do your parents put up with you?

Tears brimmed my eyes as I took all the notes my classmates left in my locker and threw them out. Why are some people so heartless? People need to realize words leave scars, even if they can't be seen.

I still had Lei, thankfully. She was my rock. By the end of this week, though, I probably won't be speaking to her. Either because of my fury towards her or because I wouldn't be here. I'd made up my mind: I was going to deny all of it. Everything. Doesn't matter what it looked like, they would believe me.

200 crunches. 75 lunges each. 100 sit-ups. 4 mile run. 100 sit-ups. 75 lunges each. 200 crunches. 2 laxatives. And that concludes my morning routine. Every morning at five I would do the same thing. No one was around to watch me. It was my alone time. My time to reach my ultimate goal.

"Carissa, you want some breakfast?" Piney asked as I walked in after I went home and cleaned up. "Already ate." Kissing everyone, I could feel eyes on me. "You cooked?" Grandma asked. "No, I went to the coffee shop." I answered, not completely lying. "Where's Leighton?" Juice asked as soon as he saw me. "Sleeping." I rolled my eyes. "Why don't you go ahead and bang her?" Tig asked. "Oh my gosh! That's my best friend you are talking about!" I exclaimed. "Well she's fine." All the guys said nonchalantly. "Don't you have school to get to?" Mom said trying to change the subject and feeding Abel. "Yes ma'am." I replied crossly. "What's up with you not liking school anymore?" Grandpa asked. I kept my mouth closed. "Um are you waiting for permission to talk or?" Dad asked agitated. "I just don't like school anymore." I mumbled grabbing my bag. No one said anything. No one had to. Being mad is one thing. Disrespect is another.

Concentration has always been a problem for me. Ever since I've stopped eating, though, it's gotten worse. It's as if my brain can't process anything. English has always been my best subject, but now I have a high D. In every other class I have a high F or low D. Report cards were being sent out tomorrow, and I knew getting grounded would be like letting me off with a warning. There was no way I was getting out of this one without some kind of harsh reprimand.

One bad thing at a time is all that should come to people. Doesn't matter what kind of person you are. Two bad things – especially extremely bad things – should not be paired together and come and attack you at the same time. That's exactly what was happening. 'Report card' day and the day Leighton is telling my parents fall on the same day. Which all happens today. The day my life ends.

"You haven't told them." Lei said. It wasn't a question. "What's there to tell?" I said, changing the channel. "Really? That's how you are going to deal with this?" Giving her my most blank stare, I went back to my show. "Denial isn't really an option here." She said getting pissed all over again. "I have nothing to deny." "Seriously?" "Yes seriously!" "You have a disease! Whether you want to believe it or not, you do!" "I am perfectly fine!" "This isn't fine! And if you think it is then you're further gone than I thought." We stared at each other, neither of us giving in; if I had I probably would have heard the guys walk in. But I didn't.

"What the hell? You could hear screaming from outside." Dad questioned walking in with Opie, Grandpa, Bobby, Chibs, Tig and Juice. Leighton and I stood there in silence. "Well…" Grandpa said waiting. "Carissa answer. You are already in deep shit from this morning and your report card." I still didn't say anything. "Are you going to tell them or am I?" Lei waited. "Tell us what?" Bobby asked. "There is nothing to tell." I repeated sternly. "Carissa, shut up." Dad said. My dad had just told me to shut up. It felt like a slap in the face. Never have either of my parents told me to shut up. But then again, I've never been disrespectful.

One last time I tried to get Leighton to shut up. It didn't work. "Carissa has an eating disorder." My heart feel. I couldn't breathe. "Before you start arguing, listen to the facts. The obvious ones. She has lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time." Two months is a long time. "She exercises more than she does anything else." It's still not enough. "Then there are the less obvious ones. She's distant. Random bursts of emotion. Her grades dropped." No one said anything. Everybody was processing was processing what Leighton said. "Carissa is what she saying true?" Opie asked. "Of course not. She's a lying manipulating bitch." I said through gritted teeth. "Rather that and you not starve yourself anymore." She responded unfazed. "I don't do that!" I yelled. "Carissa, go to your room." Dad said, not letting any emotion show. "No." I said, regretting it as soon as it left my mouth. "What did you just say to your father?" Tig asked. I couldn't breathe. Everything had gotten to be too much. But I didn't dare let it show. I was fine. "You have three seconds to move your ass to your room." Dad growled at me. I didn't move. I wasn't about to give in. Dad walked towards me and as soon as he stopped in front of me I felt a sting on my cheek. He slapped me. My dad slapped me. I've never been hit in my life, by anyone. "Do you not understand?" My vision got blurry as the tears streamed down my face. I slowly retreated to my room. Closing the door, I knew I had to get out of here.

Keep running. As fast as you can. As far away as you can. All I had was clothes I had on and the money I got from Dad's wallet in my wristlet. Reaching a bus stop, a different part of my brain, took over. Not exactly knowing where I was heading towards, but knowing it would be better than here, I kept going. An hour later, the bus came to a stop and I got off subconsciously. Opening the wristlet, I saw it. My fake ID was there. The one I've only ever dared used in Chicago. No one was going to find out. Who's it gonna hurt?

"You are gorgeous." Someone whispered in my ear. Stumbling forwards, I tried not laugh in his face. Who was he? I'm pretty sure he'd been at the bar. "Can't you walk on your own gorgeous?" He asked laughing. A car slowed down beside us. "I'm guessing you didn't call to tell your ride you were going home with someone else." "No one knows-" Before I could finish my sentence, motorcycles pulled up. "Oh shit." "Umm do you know them?" The guy asked sounding nervous. "Of course not!" As always, I was caught in my lie. "Carissa Teller, get your ass in the car." Mom said while she got out of the car. Laughing, I turned towards them. "You need to walk away." Tig said pushing the guy I was with. "Woah! There is no need to push this l-lovely man." My words slurred as I stepped in front of him. "Do you even know his name?" Chibs asked. "Uh yeah! It's uh Landon." The lack of response from the guy either proved that I was right or the guy was playing along. "Again, you need to leave." Happy remarked, clearly not believing me. The guy slowly retreated. "Great! You guys just ran off my distraction." Looking after him, I felt anger rush through me. "Carissa! What the hell were you thinking?" Grandpa yelled. It was like his voice was an initiator for everyone else. The screaming made me feel numb, but only at first. Rage filled me and oh how it overflowed. "Really ya'll of all people are getting me in trouble? At least I'm not some heartless, psychotic, porn-loving bastards like ya'll!" With that I got in the car. Lei was in the backseat, and for some odd reason I was glad she was. "I brought your favorite drunk food." Her way of asking for truce. "Extra lemon?" I asked sliding towards her. "They wouldn't be tacos without it." Leaning against her, I felt tired. My vision started getting blurry and then I was gone.

**A/N: Here ya'll go! Hope you like it. The link to the outfit is on my profile.**

**Read and Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	5. Chapter 5

Waking up, it took me a while to remember the night before and the shit that I had said. They weren't going to be happy. I can't believe I called them that. Never have I ever said anything against what my family did. They do what they think is best. Either way I have no room to judge.

Changing into whatever clothes was at the top drawer and pulling my hair into a messy side bun, I headed downstairs. Might as well get it over with. I just had to remember to breathe. Mom was at the stove making breakfast and Dad was sitting at the table when I walked in. "Morning," I managed to say. They stayed quiet. Breathe. Sitting at the table, I said the first thing on my mind. "I'm guessing Lei told ya'll." It was just above a whisper, but I knew they heard me. "If you found me last night, she had to have told you." My voice shook. "No," Mom started, "She said she wanted you to tell us." Mom didn't even look at me, not even a glance. There is really no reason to deny it. At least not now.

Sitting down at the table, I started – careful not to make eye contact, "Leighton and me didn't meet the way she said. Not even close. Mom was working the grave shift up in Chicago and being alone scared me. So like most nights, I went to a club. I was a regular there and they didn't care that I was underage. Just like every other night I was wasted by eleven. And there was this guy. He didn't look any older than 18. Ian – that was his name – was there with a huge group. They all looked annoyingly rich. Somehow we ended up dancing together and then we were walking out. He kept trying to kiss me, but I pulled off. Ian got really mad one time and he sl-lapped me. My visceral reaction was to hit him. That was the mistake that set him off. He punched me then he pushed me. Before he could do anything else, though, Leighton intervened. She got him to stop and Lei took me home and cleaned me up. She made sure I was ok." I ended the story abruptly. There wasn't much more to tell. Fidgeting with my fingers, my heart raced yearning for their response. "Why didn't you tell us?" Dad inquired, sounding hurt. "It didn't feel important enough." I whispered. My throat started to tighten up. Why did I say that? Mom kneeled down in front of me and Dad stood behind me. "Baby girl, any problem you have is important. Everything you go through affects you in some way or another, so it's important to talk to someone. Especially if you feel you shouldn't. We're here, Carissa. We are always here." I flung into Mom's arms, letting the tears fall. And for the first time in a long time, I felt safe.

"Daddy?" We were sitting in the living room watching TV that night. "Yeah darling?" "I'm sorry for saying those things. I only said them because I was angry. I love you no matter what." I said, putting my head on his chest. "I know baby. The guys are hurt though. You've never really said anything about it before, so we were surprised. We know that the club isn't exactly what most people call a suitable lifestyle, but it's all we know." "I don't mind it. At all. Either way – normal is overrated." Dad kissed me on the head and chuckled.

"What are you getting all dolled up for?" Dad asked. He was getting ready to head out. "I have to apologize to the guys." I replied bluntly. "Let's go then." "Where's everyone at?" I inquired, getting on the bike. "Leighton and Tara went to buy some food and they were gonna pick up Abel on the way there." "You didn't have to work?" "Clay said I could have some days off with everything-" "Oh ok." Getting on Dad's bike, I tried to push out the fact that they knew. Everything. I couldn't hide it. They would watch my every move. I would have to find another way.

"Hey gorgeous." "Hey Grandma." Kissing her on the cheek, I looked around for the boys. "Looking for the guys?" She asked putting her arm around me. "Yeah…have to apologize about what I said." "You have all of us wrapped around your finger to be honest. They probably already forgave you." "But still." She hugged me and motioned towards the garage where Grandpa and Bobby were. "Here goes nothing."

Walking up to them, anxiety filled me. What if they didn't forgive me? "Hey." My voice was barely acknowledging my presence. This was going to be harder than I thought. "About last night, I was completely out of line. I'm sorry. The things I said were hurtful, disrespectful and should have never been said." Not knowing what else to say, I waited for one of them to say something. Bobby broke the silence, "Drunken words are sober thoughts." "Never have I thought that. Sure I don't think what ya'll do is normal, but I won't ever judge it." There was silence again. Grandpa and Bobby looked at each other. They exchanged an unspoken conversation, one that had come with many years of practice. My grandpa's and Bobby's face broke out into a smile. "Of course we forgive you. You're our little girl." Grandpa said hugging me. I smiled, hugging him back.

Pacing the floor, my mind went over all the possible outcomes. Everyone of them worse than the last. My parents went to put Abel down for the night and had asked me to wait in the living room for them. Which in turn resulted in my pacing. Honestly, was there any point in denying it anymore? Sitting down on the couch, I tried to figure out my next move.

"Before you say anything," Dad began, both of them sitting on the other couch, "just hear us out." Mom picked up, "Addictions are messy things. We know that if we push you to recovery, you might not make it back." "We aren't going to force you to do anything. We are, though, going to ask you that you tell us." "It doesn't have to be right now. It doesn't even have to be everything. When you're ready, though, we'll be right here."

**A/N: This chapter took me a while to write, but I think it came out pretty good. What do ya'll think about what Tara and Jax said?**

**Read and Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	6. Chapter 6

104 pounds. Slowly, I was putting the weight back on. I hadn't reached my goal weight, though. My family knew. And I felt guilty. Every time they ate I at least tried to eat normally. For them. Not because I wanted to. The exercise didn't stop, though. They didn't know that. What they don't know won't hurt them.

"Carissa," Mom called from Abel's room.

"Yes ma'am?" I answered when I got to her.

"I'm working the grave shift and everyone else is getting ready for the fundraiser tomorrow, so I'm going to need you to watch Abel until your dad gets home." She said, putting Abel down for the night.

"Ok." Mom kissed me on the head and went to go get ready for work.

Leighton and I lay on the couch, watching reruns of Criminal Minds.

"One day you are going to be the inspiration for one of those episodes." Leighton said smirking.

"I've never even hit anyone, I could never kill someone." I said shooting her a look.

"That's what they all say."

"I hate you."

"I know."

Subconsciously, I grabbed a handful of the sour gummy worms that were in front of me. I realized what I was doing and put it back. Leighton glanced at me but didn't say anything. I can't do that. Not after how hard I've worked.

"Lunch and a movie."

"That's all, right?"

"Yes ma'am."

Mom and Leighton sat across from each other in the kitchen. They were discussing me. They just didn't know I was listening.

"Just be careful." Mom stressed. Apparently I was going to lunch and a movie.

"No slumming it." Lei informed, while we got ready.

"Why not?" I asked putting back the hoodie I had grabbed.

"Because slumming is not an option today." She responded.

"When is slumming it not an option?"

"When you're with me." Rolling my eyes, I went back to my closet to pick a decent outfit. (**Link on profile**)

Pulling up to the restaurant, nerves started to fill me. Most restaurants don't have calorie counts on their menus. How was I supposed to know how much exercise I needed? Looking up, I noticed Lei had a smirk on her face. She thought this through.

"I know it's going to be hard," she started, "but I can see it in your eyes."

"What exactly do you see in my eyes?"

"You want to get better."

"There is a difference between not wanting to hurt people and wanting to get better." I sneered.

Leighton kept looking through the menu, not saying anything. She wanted to believe I wanted to get better for myself. I didn't. Hurting others wasn't something I enjoyed doing. That's why I was trying to get better. Or at least in one sense.

The waiter came around and asked us for our order.

"I'll have the chicken fettuccine alfredo with a sweet tea please." Lei said, putting the menu down.

"I'll just have salad and water." I said defensively. The waiter nodded and walked away.

"You have to eat more than just that."

"No I don't."

"I know you're hardheaded and stubborn, but this is not the time for that."

"I can do what I want with my body."

"Why do you insist on putting a wall up when I already broke it down once?"

"I let you in once, and now I completely regret it."

She didn't say anything. She looked down, I could tell she was hurt though. I'm not good with words.

We drove right past the movies, and back home. The anger inside of me was about to boil over. When we pulled into the drive way, I noticed it was full of motorcycles. Great, family is over. I didn't want to deal with any of them. Not right now.

"You can go to your room, I'll cover for you." Leighton said, as we got out of her car. I looked over to her and tried to smile, but she wouldn't look at me. Walking into the house was like walking into a concert: loud. Everyone was having their own conversations. I didn't attempt to say hi to anyone. I walked straight to my room and locked the door. I quickly changed into some workout clothes and put my hair into a messy bun. Putting my iPod into the iHome, I started exercising. Not as much as I used to, but just enough to at least burn some calories.

**A/N: I know, short, crappy, and a long wait. I don't think this will be a very long story. But I do know it will be very intense. Just a warning. I will try to have the next chapter up as soon as possible. **

**Read & Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	7. Chapter 7

School is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Therefore it should be unconstitutional. It is much worse, when you have no friends there. Although the silence is nice at times, it is not good for you. At least I don't think. Being the daughter of a Teller is already attention drawing. People always wanted to know what went on in the club. Every detail of it. As if I was ever told about it. Add being socially incapable to that, and you have my life. I don't like talking to people, so making friends was always a problem. Andrea and Emmaline were the type of girls to go up to anyone and befriend them. That's exactly what they did in first grade with me. We used to be inseparable. They never once cared about my family and what they did. I thought they didn't care. Then I started to distance myself from them, and they thought it was because of SAMCRO. They haven't tried to speak to me since. To sum it all up: school is torture.

"Carissa, did you finish the problems I assigned for last night?" Mr. Crawford said disappointingly. I used do my homework every night, even though Algebra wasn't my best subject. Now, though, I can't seem to focus on anything.

"No sir, I'm sorry." I avoided eye contact.

"Don't be sorry. Just do it." He said, walking away.

Walking into the hallway after class finished, I decided to skip the rest of my classes. There was no point in staying. Not when I didn't pay attention or do any of the work. Aimlessly walking around town, I thought about how much things have changed. Mom and Dad were together again. Abel was perfectly healthy now. The only problem was me. I was the reason everyone was getting stressed. It was my fault. _Don't be sorry. Just do it. _

Pulling shorts and a loose shirt, I went to the living room and sat on the floor. I turned on the TV, put it on the music channel, and started exercising. 200 crunches. 100 sit-ups. 200 more crunches. 50 sit-ups. 100 crunches. The process was becoming tiresome and taking too long. But I couldn't stop. My phone lit up, ending my thoughts.

Text Conversation

Leighton: Did you skip school?

Me: Yeah, I'm already at home.

Leighton: You could have told someone. Everyone was worried.

Me: Well,

Leighton: I'll be there in a little

Me: Don't rush; you can stay with Juice for a little bit longer

Leighton: If you actually talked to me, I would tell you what's going on

Me: What's the point in talking?

Leighton: I'm outside.

I could hear the door slam, and her putting her purse on the table. Her heels echoed in the room. She sat down on the couch. I came in from my room after changing, and sat down on the floor. We didn't say anything. I kept flipping through the channels, ignoring that she was moving to the floor next to me. Before I could stop Lei, she pulled me into an embrace. I didn't want to react. I didn't want to be in this situation. I will not give her the satisfaction of completely falling apart in front of her. The emotions become too much. Everything was just too much. The tears flowed out. Before I could completely give in to the crying, my phone started ringing.

Leighton answered, "Hello?" The person on the other end seem frantic and her face became completely pale. She hung up, and dragged me up with her.

"What happened?" I inquired as I walked out of the house behind Lei.

"We have to get to the hospital." She answered emotionless. I didn't need a reason. I grew up around this. I still remembered the last time I was taken out of school to go to the hospital. All the memories of waiting in the emergency room. From when I had no idea of what was happening, to knowing it was so bad that we had to go to the hospital.

The drive to the hospital happened in the blur. The next thing I knew I was in the waiting room, waiting for news. Any news. When we had walked in Grandpa explained what happened. They were making a run, and the Mayans showed up. Dad didn't take his gun out fast enough, and was in the line of fire. They rushed here. Mom sat next to me, playing with my hair, and whispering comforting words into my ear. Grandma sat next to Opie with her arm around him. Everyone seemed so tense. Leighton had brought food, and it remained untouched on the table. Half of us sat still, while the other half paced around the room.

I couldn't feel. I was scared too. What if I do, then I can't control it. I don't want to start crying. Maybe because if I do I won't stop. Or maybe it's because if I cry, it becomes real. I looked down at Abel. He was peacefully asleep. Not knowing of the mess we were in. I wanted that. Peace seemed like a farfetched idea right now.

"Jackson Teller." The doctor said. All of us stood up, and walked towards him. Mom kept her arm firmly around me.

"We were able to stop all the bleeding, but before we could he lost a lot of blood. He's stabilized but he'll have to stay a couple of nights before he can go home." The doctor informed and walked off. My arms wrapped around my mom, as everyone hugged.

My dad was ok.

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. The link to what she is wearing is on my profile. The next chapter will be up soon…hopefully. **

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	8. Chapter 8

"I heard they fired first and Jax was up there and they shot him – a lot of times."

"Wait, who is they?"

"I heard it was the cops."

"Why the fuck would they shoot at cops first?!"

"I'm just telling you what I heard!"

"We should just ask her."

"That's kind of rude."

"It's been like a week, and he's getting out today, how would it be rude?"

I was in my English class where we supposed to be reading. Everyone decided it would be the perfect time to discuss the latest SAMCRO incident. No one knew exactly what happened, which always made the rumor mill crazy. The fact that I was sitting right behind them didn't seem to faze them. Their conversation went from believable to completely impossible in a matter of seconds. After which I tuned out.

I tried to focus on the questions that went along with the reading: _What does Hooper mean with this final speech? _My mind couldn't remember the name of the book, let alone analyze what was said in it. Writing down the first thing that came to mind, I ignored the whispers and stares. In my pocket, I felt my phone vibrate.

Mom: I'm gonna pick you up from school. We have to go to the store and pick up some stuff.

Me: For what?

Mom: Your grandma decided that there is gonna be a party at the house for Jax.

Me: Of course there is.

I tried not to think about all the people who were gonna be there. Not just the boys and their old ladies, but even some of the crow eaters. I didn't want to know how many of them knew. News spread fast in the MC world. Hopefully this wasn't the same. I didn't want people talking about this. Or me. I already had enough of that at school. Pity, though, is worse than hate.

Mom and I stood in the kitchen with Grandma putting all the food and drinks out. I was anxious to see my dad; I had barely seen him while he was in the hospital. Dad with wires and tubes in him was not a sight I want to see. It made me feel helpless. To see someone who was so strong look so weak gave you the weirdest feeling: a mixture of sadness and desperation.

"Who's bringing Dad home?" I asked while I fed Abel his bottle.

"Opie and Clay," Grandma answered.

Leighton walked in from my room with Juice. I quickly looked down, feeling awkward. Leighton sat down with me and Juice stood by her protectively. I'd never seen Juice look that way at anyone. He honestly seems infatuated with her. In the most innocent, cute way. He didn't just want her physically. He looked like a little boy with his first crush. His face lit up every time Lei even looked at him. Even when she wasn't around but was mentioned, Juice instantaneously smiled. As much as I hated to admit it, they went good together.

Everyone was in the living room, anxious for Dad to get there. Outside, I could the motorcycle and car pull up. My nerves began to become too much. I felt my stomach completely turn. Mom came up to me and took Abel and put her arm around me. The excitement in the room was contagious. It didn't matter if you didn't want to feel it; there was no way you couldn't. Dad walked in the room and simultaneously the noise erupted. All around me, everyone tried to get close to Dad. Mom, Abel and I stood back, waiting for him to come to us. After a while of waiting, he was in front of us. We all automatically wrapped our arms around each other, and everyone cheered and clapped.

"To Jax," Grandpa said raising his drink and everyone followed suit. Moving closer to Dad, I made sure to keep the smile on my face.

He put his arm around me, "I missed you baby girl."

My eyes started watering, but I didn't let them fall, "I missed you too Daddy."

**A/N: Here's the next chapter, sorry it took so long. What she is wearing is linked on my profile. **

**Read and Review**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


	9. Chapter 9

Putting Abel to sleep, I let my smile fall. The excitement had slowly faded as everyone left. Leighton had left with Juice. My parents had gone to their room. _Don't be sorry. Just do it._

I took my time. Slowly changing to the outfit I had laid out. My thoughts went over the party. Everyone laughed and drank. No drama. No club business. Just laughter and smiles all around. I've always wondered if my family was actually happy. Yes, we had money. We're healthy. And after a long time, we were all together. But were we truly honestly happy? Could anyone ever really be happy with this lifestyle? I know Mom didn't like it. She spent nights worrying about Dad – most of them she cried. Dad worried too. He doesn't show it for Mom. He wants her to lean on him. Honestly, though, could they be the only ones? Someone else had to think this way. An outlaw life isn't exactly an ideal one. There had to be doubt. Even if it was just a passing thought.

When I was younger, I used to love the club's relationship with each other. I found it amazing how people so different could come together to become like brothers. Then as I got older and started to realize and piece things together, I didn't like it. The violence. The outlaw life. All the things that I couldn't understand when I was younger. The stares and whispers started to make sense. I was the Prince of Charming's daughter. No way around it. After a while I learned to not respond to them. Never have I ignored them, though. Looking back on it, I guess that was the start of my problems. I've always wanted to be the type of person who didn't care what people said about them, but I'm not. I take them to heart and store them there. And when I'm at my lowest my mind attacks me with them. The first time it happened was in Chicago. The partying, drinking, and hooking up started shortly after. After Leighton and I met, things were good. Then we moved to Charming. And my mind started again. The eating disorder with it. As things got better in the family, things got worse in my mind.

Quietly, I put three envelopes on the kitchen table. I went to Abel's room and stared at him. His features were so little. Everything about him was perfect. There was no way to deny it. Kissing him on the head, I held back the tears. I carefully shut the door. It slowly became harder to breathe. Doing what I'd done so many times, I thought about every reason I was doing this. Those were what motivated me. I didn't dare go see my parents. If I saw them, I knew I would change my mind. Which would only cause things to be harder in the end. This was my decision. _Don't be sorry. Just do it._

There's a video my dad has from when I was three. Mom, Dad, and I were all there. It was right before Mom left. Mom and Dad are having some pointless conversation while I sat, cross-legged, eating grapes. They keep going back and forth. Then they remember the camera is recording. Mom mouthed something then picked me up and sat me in her lap. "Anytime you feel lost or alone, come here. This is our spot."Dad said, carving our initials into the tree. It was cliché in so many ways. But in that moment and every time I see the video everything feels perfect and infinite.

That's where I went now. Sitting under the tree, I let the tears fall. It finally hit me that I wouldn't see my family anymore. Mom, Dad, and Abel. Grandpa and Grandma. Opie and Donna. Piney. Chibs and Juice. Happy and Tig. Bobby. Half – Sac. Leighton. But I knew they would be happier. They would be able to go on living without having to worry about me all the time. Being worried causes you to get distracted. Distractions aren't good – in any line of work.

_Don't be sorry. Just do it. _I climbed the tree, the rope in my hard. All over, I felt chills and shivers. My heart beat sped up. I stood on one of the larger branches, looking out into the rest of the field. The grass was long – up to my knees in most places. Trees randomly sprouted from the ground – as if God had just got tired of making them go in a straight row. The sun was slowly coming up. The faint orange glow filled the sky. Abel would be up soon, waking up Mom and Dad with him. Time was running out. They would find the envelopes and a search party would start. This was it.

_Don't be sorry. Just do it. _I tightly tied the rope around the tree, making sure it wouldn't come undone.

_Don't be sorry. Just do it. _I put the rope around my neck, and closed my eyes.

_Just do it._ Taking a deep breath, I said my last goodbye. 

_Do it._ My hands started to shake.

_Do it._

_Do it. _

_Do it. _

I took a step off the branch.


	10. Chapter 10

Tara woke up, hearing Abel start to fuss. She looked over to Jax as he slide on his cut.

"You want to wake up Carissa?" She asked him.

Jax shook his head, "Let her rest." Jax came behind Tara, wrapping his arms around her. He placed kisses on her neck. Tara turned around and kissed him. She then started towards Abel's room. Jax stood there, looking after her then going towards the kitchen. He started making the coffee, while Tara came in with Abel. Jax grabbed the mugs, and placed them on the table. The three envelopes in the middle caught his eye. Jax went over to them and saw the perfectly bubbly handwriting: _Mom and Dad, Leighton, Abel._ Slowly he opened the envelope addressed to him, not knowing what to expect.

_Mom and Dad, _

_You two are the strongest people I know. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you as parents. We've been through so much – as a family and individually – yet always managed to put me first. Both of you deserve to be happy. I don't think you guys realize how much both of you deserve it._

_It's for the best that I'm gone. Whether you think so or not. Don't feel bad for me. this is what I wanted and what's best for everyone. Please don't dwell on this. Some people are only here for a season. I'm one of those people._

_Take care of each other. Don't let this be an excuse to leave each other. Love each other. You're a better person when you're with the person you're supposed to be with. Don't stop being together. It doesn't work out for you two – as we've seen. As much as you hate it, you guys have to tell each other how you feel about things. Be honest, too. Don't sugar coat anything anymore. Always put family first. I know, though, you guys are amazing at this. Look at the big picture. Stay true to you. Now this is sounding like random hippie quotes. But I mean all of them._

_ Love always, _

_ Carrisa Teller_

Jax couldn't fathom what he just read. What was his daughtersaying by this? Was she leaving or … He couldn't bring himself to think about the other possibility. He stood up, handing Tara the letter and walked towards Carissa's room; he didn't know what to expect. It was in perfect order. Everything was in its place. The bed was made. The vanity was straightened out. Her closet was color organized. Nothing was missing. That meant she hadn't left, or at lease she had gone somewhere where she'd know someone. Tara walked in, tears freely falling, and Abel on her hip.

"Let's go find her."

The clubhouse was chaos. Juice had a phone in his hands, calling every possible person Carissa could be with. Leighton sat with Tara, trying to calm her down. The letter addressed to her between her legs. Opie, Jax, Clay, and Tig were around a map, trying to see how far Carissa could have gone. Bobby tried to get Gemma to sit down while she paced back and forth. Donna had Abel bouncing him up and down. Half Sac ran between everyone, updating them. No one noticed the door open. No one noticed Piney walk in. or that Hale was with him.

"We found her at the park about a mile in. there was nothing we could do. She had already been gone for 15 minutes. I'm honestly truly sorry." Hale looked at everyone, before bowing out – not letting anyone see his tears.

The information took a while to process. How could Carissa be gone? They all just saw her – smiling and laughing. There was no possible way that she would have done this. She'd struggled through an eating disorder – they knew that much. Suicide, though. That's something completely different. But was it really? The desire to look a certain way and the disappointment make you rethink. For Carissa, life is what she decided to rethink. That dawned on everyone at the same time. And the tears fell from everyone's eyes. No one knew how this was supposed to be handled. Suicide is a strange thing for a Son and those around them how do you go on with your life after it?

_Leighton_

_ You are inspiring. There is no other to put it. You have accomplished so much, yet you're humble. People want to strive to be like you. Your potential, and leadership ability and compassion are so great. Stay yourself and don't you ever stop striving for great things. Being an editor is only just part of what you will accomplish._

_ The way we became best friends was unconventional, the reason we became best friends was selfless. You saved my life. You may think that you didn't but you did. You were the only one to know what was going on in my screwed up head. You kept me alive for so long. But just know that I am – was – too far gone for saving. You did everything you possibly could for me. Don't you ever doubt it. _

_ Now, I need to ask you a favor. Mom and Dad. They need to know it's not their fault. Keep them sane. I know that's unfair of me to ask. At least remind them that they belong together. Tell Abel about me. Tell him about all the good memories. Remind him every day that I love him so much. Teach him to not care what people say about him or the family and that family is over everything. Tell him to dream big and not to limit himself._

_ When you and Juice get married, don't get mad at him. This life is the only one he knows. He loves you. You love him. You learn to love the club. It's as simple as that. _

_ Love forever,_

_ Carissa_

Leighton folded the not again. The folds had become prominent from the times she had unfolded it, read it, and folded it again. She sat between Tara and Gemma, with Abel on her lap. Opie, Donna, Bobby, Tig, Piney, Juice, Happy all stood behind them with Half Sac off to the side. The Tacoma Charter stood, heads low. Across them, most of Charming stood. The suicide had come as a surprise to everyone. No one knew what to make of it. There was definite guilt in the air. Especially in those who had laughed at her. Those who had whispered at her. Those who didn't reach out to her.

The priest stood over the casket, speaking words no one wanted to hear, or believe. Carissa couldn't be gone. Not this way. Not one of the Sons moved when the priest finished. The rest of Charming moved towards the casket, placing flowers and saying their last goodbyes. Only Unser and Hale came towards Jax and Tara. The exchange was fast but heartfelt. Hale had always loved Carissa. Tara used to bring her around when she was younger. Carissa was the only one in the Teller family to actually have civil conversations with him. And he always felt protective of her. Hale wanted to say something. Do something. But he couldn't find the strength to. All he said in the end was 'I'm sorry for your loss.'

Jax took a shot. And another. And another. Tara sat beside him, completely still. Tears fell freely as she looked ahead. The couch they were sitting on had been the last place they'd been together. All of them as a family. Jax took another shot. Tara stared at the bottle of whiskey, before taking it in her hands and downing all of it.


	11. Chapter 11

_ Dear Abel,_

_ You probably don't remember me at all. But I'm your big sister. Unfortunately I had to leave before you had the chance to grow up. I know, though, that Mom and Dad did an amazing job raising you. And that you turned out to be an incredible person._

_ I want you to know and hold to the fact that this world has so much to offer you. Don't let Charming hold you back. Do what makes you happy. Try new things, not just what you know. And please, for me, try your best in school. It's important no matter how much you hate it._

_ I want you to know something and I want you to remember it: your mind is your biggest enemy. It will tell you 'you can't' 'you're not good enough' and so many other lies. Don't you dare listen to it. You can do so much. You are beyond good enough. And you don't need the acceptance of others at all. As long as you are happy with yourself._

_ I know I'm not there to see you grow up or to help you with your problems, but you have so many people around you. Mom, Dad, Leighton, Grandpa, Grandma. Talk to them when you need to. Or any of the boys. Don't hold anything in. Always remember that I love you forever and always._

_ Your big sissy,_

_ Carissa _

Abel fell asleep having the letter read to him, like every night since it happened. Tara kissed his head before placing the letter on the dresser and made her way to the living room. She sat on the couch, closing her eyes. Carissa's face filled her mind as did the memories of the pregnancy. The sadness didn't come; the feeling was more of guilt than of anything. Instinctively, Tara reached for the alcohol that had a permanent residence on the table. Realizing it wasn't there, she abruptly opened her eyes. Leighton. She'd come over to take care of Abel and apparently to clean. With that, came another memory. The promise she and Jax had made. Part of her wanted to make the promise – to allow life to become normal. At least this new normal. Another part of her persistently told her she couldn't. Tara made the promise, though. For Abel. For her family. For Carissa.

Carissa would despise what Jax and Tara were doing. They knew it. She would have scolded them. Then again, they wouldn't have done this if she were still her. Nothing could have pushed them over the edge as much as this. Too many emotions came along with it. Guilt. Loneliness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Hatred. And worst of all, numbness. Their mind, their emotion, everything would become numb at the most dangerous times.

Slowly, though, they were learning to control the emotion. It was difficult. And sometimes they back tracked. But they kept pushing forward. They let emotions that they hadn't felt since Carissa come over them. Happiness. Peace. Hope. Love. Abel was the main source of it. He was their reason for trying. Their only reason to.

Tara walked into the clubhouse – diaper bag on one shoulder and Abel on the opposite hip. She smiled at Tig and Happy behind the bar and at Half Sac who was mopping the floor. She made her way to Leighton and Juice sitting at one of the couches. Leighton and Tara kissed on the cheek and Juice hugged her. Leighton took Abel inter her arms, whispering in his ears, 'Carissa loves you.' It was something she did out of habit now. She did it partly for Abel and partly for herself.

Leighton faced Tara, answering her unspoken question, "I have something to show you, but I'll wait for Jax." Tara only nodded, trying to figure out what was going on.

After a few minutes of anticipation, Jax walked in – nodding his hello to Juice and Leighton while kissing Abel and Tara. There was a moment of an awkward silence as Leighton sifted through her bag and pulled out an issue of Teen Vogue.

"As you know I'm one of the editor's, and for this month's magazine we had a last minute pull out. There was no obvious fill in. so they have it to me to figure out. And I did this." Leighton handed Jax and Tara the magazine open to one of the pages towards the back. Across the top were the words 'Are You Happy Now?' in purple cursive letters. Under it was a subheading, saying 'Your words go deeper than you know.' Below it was warnings and signs about eating disorders, self – harm, depression, and suicide. As Jax and Tara read through it, Lei explained, "I needed an outlet. And way to memorialize Carissa and everyone else that was like her. Teen Vogue is going to do an article from now on about mental health or anything that can be life threatening. And every month it's going to be in memorial of someone who has been there and not made it. Except in May when it will be for Carissa, since she's the one who inspired it."

Tara and Jax both had tears streaming down their faces with small smiles. Their eyes were fixed on the picture of Carissa at the bottom of the second page. She was dressed in a red strapless dress with white polka dots. Her hair was straightened with her bangs French braided into a headband and a slight hint of makeup. Tara laughed remembering that day. It was after her 16th birthday party, and Leighton had pleaded with Tara to take photographs to commemorate the day. Carissa had groaned, but did it anyways – smiling and laughing the entire time.

Jax was the first one to speak, "Thank you. This is – just thank you." He looked at his high school heart and the love of his life and at his son sitting on his daughter's best friend with his brother and her boyfriend sitting behind her. Jax knew they would make it – maybe not because they wanted to. But for Carissa.

**A/N: This is the last chapter. I'm going to miss this story. I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed working on it. I'm also working on another SOA Fanfiction that will be more based off of the show than this one. Please let me know if ya'll would be interested in reading it. Thank you guys for clicking on this story and reading it. It means a lot to know people are interested.**

**Peace Love Hope**

**Val**


End file.
